Sign of Affair: I Fell Out of Love...and just love being in love

If there is one front-and-forward excuse for infidelity it is: " I fell out of love."

This usually means: I no longer feel sexually attracted to you (I'm sexually attracted to someone else, for now, at least.) Or, I need to spice my life with giddy emotional highs and intrigue every so often.

Infidelity has different faces...and different signs and patterns.

Did you know there are 7 different kinds of affairs? Well, there may be more, but after a couple decades of clinical work and research, I've identified 7.

And, if you look carefully, you will find that each form of infidelity carries different signs and markers. Know those specific signs of infidelity and you can save yourself much grief.

One kind of affair I write about in my E-book is called, "I Fell out of Love...and just love being in love."

Here are some signs and patterns you can expect in this kind of affair:

1. Hang on to your seat. This may be some ride, much like a thrill ride at an amusement park. There will likely be many ups and downs, spiced with dramatic flair. Watching your spouse go through his gyrations may leave you somewhat dizzy. He will give his all to this new-found "love" and at other times might find his way back to you.

2. Typically you will struggle with being ignored and feeling rather awful that you can't provide the "love" this other person seems to provide. You might find yourself questioning your capacity to "love" and your desirability. His affections will obviously be centered on that other person.

3. He may want to tell you about this other person. Not only might he want you to know about the other person he may desire to share with you some of the details of this relationship. He might want you involved. This creates an intense triangle that juices the drama. (Most classical love stories are dramas, complete with a triangle; he "falls in love" with the forbidden or unattainable princess. Often the drama ends as a tragedy - Romeo and Juliet.)

4. Expect some juvenile behavior such as love letters (e-mail), special names, special promises, secrets only for the two of them, etc. Some of these affair relationships are the result of unfinished business from adolescence. Perhaps he was responsible for family or beset by some trauma or internally or externally imposed injunctions that precluded him from dating, socializing with the opposite sex, and "falling in and out of love" a number of times, which is so important and vital for adolescent development.

5. You may hear the persistent phrase, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." He may truly "like you" and depend on your stability, goodness and understanding. The thought of losing that may keep him connected with you. His fear of losing that which is stable and enduring may conflict with his need to follow his feelings. As well, the possibility of loss may point to the internal emptiness that stirs up very uncomfortable feelings and thoughts. This is part of the roller coaster ride.

6. He may feel very badly about his "inability" to love you and his "inability" not to love the other person. He may express great remorse for the dilemma. He may profess deep sadness for "hurting" you - but, as you know, he has no control. His feelings drive him. His "concern" for you indicates his superficial understanding of relationships. Or, his "concern" for you may be a manipulative attempt to find an easier exit from the marriage.

7. Expect his feelings for the other person to fade. They will fade quickly if this is a pure "I've fallen out of love (and just love being in love)" affair. The "romance" of adolescent love affairs start quickly and end as abruptly. If, however, other issues come into play, such as, resentment and/or the inability to say no, you have a more complicated situation that takes longer to resolve.

You may be in love if …

One of the most common human experiences that two or more (depending on how ambitious you are) people can share is love. But, it’s not always easy to tell if you are in “like”, “lust” or full blown, forever loving. With that in mind, I’ve created this list of signs that you may be crazy in love!

1. If you’ve ever stared deeply into the eyes of your significant other for more than 10 seconds without cracking up hysterically … you may be in love.

2. If every person in your life tells you that she/he’s no good and you’re mailman, pharmacist and local news station agrees, yet you think they are “just jealous” … you may be in love.

3. Guys: if you’ve taken the pictures of the other women in you’re life off the walls, like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition posters, Playmate of the month calendar, Monster Truck Rally 2005 … you may be in love.

4. Ladies: men can produce excessive amounts of eye watering, nose burning noxious odor from almost any food or drink, and then aren’t above sharing it with others, especially at night. Knowing all this, and you STILL want to sleep in the same bed with him … you may be in love.

5. If your significant other asks you how they look in their new retro polyester lime green outfit and you say they look hot … you may be in love…. or you have a really strong self preservation instinct.

6. Guys: if you’ve ever given up washing and waxing that new car you just bought to watch “Sleepless in Seattle” with you’re girlfriend/wife for the 20th time … you may be in love.

7. If you always remember every anniversary and birthday of your partner, and you’re not female … you may be in love.

8. If you think the underwear and socks you get for your birthday and Christmas every year is a pleasant surprise … you may be in love.

9. If you thought the Sears Tool Set and rolling cabinet you got for your birthday was great idea, and you’re not male ... you may be in love.

10. If you are taken to Burger King for a romantic dinner, and that doesn’t bother you … you may be in love.

11. If you notice your local florist starts arriving at work in a limo since you became a customer ... you may be in love

12. If hearing "Honey, wheres my clean underwear?" brings tears of joy to your eyes ... you may be in love

But the easiest way to tell if you are in love is this: If there is no one on this planet that you would rather spend everyday of your life with than the one you are with … then you ARE in love!

Jan Michaels is a self-described relationship expert (why is his girlfriend laughing?) that is truly in love. When not writing amusing articles, he doesn't do much of anything really important, unless feeding the
cat counts.

How to Tell Your Partner You Love Them

Remember the words from an old song...

"Be sure it's true when you say I love you, it's a sin to tell a lie".

The concept of "sin" has lost its meaning for many in our modern era, and even "love" has lost a significant portion of its importance.

If you still believe in "falling in love" then you will realize how difficult it is to say, "I love you" in a meaningful way. Three little words that can change your life forever. The words, themselves, have lost their meaning because of overuse, especially when it's not really true. Everybody says them, for many different reasons, even if they don't mean them.

However, when you really want tell your partner of your love it's such a hard decision to make for many reasons. Will your partner return your love? Will your partner simply accept your declaration with indifference? Will he or she feel threatened? It is such a common problem that even "The Seinfeld Show" had an episode on it.

So make it easy on yourself and plan the declaration so that as much as possible you eliminate the problems. The first step, of course, is to be certain you really are in love. If you so enjoy being with your partner that you want to be with him or her to the exclusion of all others, if you think of him or her every day when you are apart, you are probably in love. If you have even a small doubt you should wait a little longer.

If you are certain then plan a special occasion for it. Make it a significant moment in your life - one to remember with fondness for your whole life. Arrange an intimate dinner at your favorite restaurant and make it as romantic as you can. Give him or her a small gift because you love being with them, or you are so glad that you met them.

After dinner while holding your partner intimately gaze intently into their eyes and say, "I love you so much it hurts when we are apart. I hope that we can stay together forever".

Do not be disappointed if your partner does not return your declaration. They may not yet be ready and might need more time to state their feelings. Continue to share with your partner the highs and lows of your partner's life. Care for your partner's happiness and be on guard to protect his happiness.

Under no circumstances should you ever ask your partner, "Do you love me"?

In the Cause of Love: A Romantic Drags Love

In the cause of love, we do many foolish things. We go out on limbs not built for climbing in order to be gallant and free. We rise up to challenges and escape seemingly hum drum lives casting our hearts into the unknown. We start wars. We end wars.

This is love, we say, never knowing where we will be struck next. And some are touched for entire lifetimes. And some are struck repeatedly in an agony of relationships that start well and end, just as well. We fall in love all too readily.

We know all the clichés of soul mates, life mates, true love, perfect love, etc. etc. We find them heartwarming and grand, romantic even. But when we fall out of love, we fall hard for it is much more difficult to fall out of love than into it. There is nothing very romantic about a broken heart. We cavalierly declare that it obviously must not have been true love; otherwise, we would still be together. And we peer around corners hoping beyond hope that he or she awaits us.

And some love with their bodies and some with their minds and some find even deeper solace loving to the depths of their souls.

For some love like life is a journey. My parents have been married 58 years their offspring divorced at least once. Love is a certainty for my folks. They cannot and will not imagine one without the other. I have never thought that this was the love affair of the ages or one filled with passion and romance. There is a symbiosis between them, an odd dance non-stop for almost 6 decades. I wonder what keeps them going, that secret formula that keeps them together year after year.

I admire them and often stand in awe. I often have enough trouble living with myself let alone another lately. But their marriage is not all hugs and kisses, lovey dovey type thing. In fact, I barely remember the last time I saw them in love’s clench. Actually, I remember quite well as it was their 50th Anniversary. My family is not the huggy type. However, it has improved with living. There is a magic something that links them together from morning to night. The romance is hidden but secreted in their hearts and undying vows.

My romanticism leaps from speeding trains, screams from rooftops and dares to be overcome. I love being in love. Nevertheless, these extreme bursts of romantic fervor last years and not a lifetime as my folks have accomplished. It makes one wonder because it cuts to the core of a lifetime of passion. My parents are a miracle I think to myself. I admire their perseverance and patience.

We speak the words of love. But do we understand the intricacies of what makes love work? Do we know how to love another being let alone ourselves? And which comes first loving ourselves (that whole me thing) or loving someone else? And can you truly love another if you are rather misanthropic about yourself?

How much do you need to know about the soon to be significant other in order to fall in love? Jeez, I know many questions. Well you see I am taking this thing called love apart into all its facets so questions have to come up in order for the answers to be arrived at. I am using my parents as a model because they are still doing it after all these years and what makes them persist as they do?

Love is a Kevlar vest for my heart

I know about my loves and lacks thereof. I tend to dive right in without looking to see if there is water in the pool, without thought, fear or concern. Once in love I feel invulnerable like love is this Kevlar vest over my heart. With hindsight, I can see this is a rather one-sided view of things. A kind of ego ridden love that is so overwhelming that I would need a SuperMate not a SoulMate. Nevertheless, I love the sudden explosiveness in my universe that love brings, that impact of emotion and energy. I live for that passion. I would not wish to go through life without it! However, maybe this explosive passion flares so brightly and then seemingly burns itself out.

Then again, perhaps not, mayhap that flame would be eternal. I have learned much from each of my loves. I have learned that boredom is the fiercest of diseases and punishments.

Redefining love
And I have learned that love must be redefined to be successful. Old school concepts of one heart, one soul, and one love are out the door. The most important lesson being that true love is more the separateness of things than it is the mushing of things together (note: that is a technical definition).

Love is the willingness and the desire for each to be whole, undivided and unique. Co-creation means one creates a team of love (as corny as that sounds). It is the granting of beingness of another and not the desire to be “one” is the complete acknowledgement of your love.
Romantics will of course decry this and what I am about to say. They will feign broken heart malaise and woe is me and other assorted inanities. They will beat themselves with bungee cords or some such. But the fact is when you take into consideration the state of current romantics and climbing divorce rates, what the heck do they really know anyway?

Again, I state most emphatically, it is not the togetherness of things, of two lovers glommed together with Madison Avenue wallpaper and notions of what love should be. No, it is not the togetherness but the unique separateness that counts and if that uniqueness is admired and given life, love blossoms forth.

All too often, we hum these clichés until we run out of tune. Your LifeMate, your SoulMate, etc. is not half of you, they are entities unto themselves. We in a relationship are not halves of anything; we are whole entirely and uniquely whole.

Team Love
The ridiculousness of this popularized notion of this one beating heart concept is best illustrated when observing the rest of life; like say sports (am a guy ain’t I). Nowhere in the annals of sport does anyone say one player. Players with individual capabilities, characteristics, skills, etc all go into making a great team. The individual is not suppressed by his or her teammates; to the contrary, skills and abilities are enhanced. Some teams even take their comradery off the field and hang out together. Why should love sanely and logically be any different? How did we get the quaint notion that somehow we must divide ourselves down the middle and join the other person to make one whole person? When did we decide to be our soulmate instead of ourselves?

Strength is determined and created by two beings creating together, not whittling down to one or even two with broken hearts. It is the uniqueness of the players that make a great team, not the identicalness of them. This is after all the game of love.

There are those that may now shout that I am removing the romance from love with such analytical statements. And draining the tragedy from broken hearts is blasphemy and sacrilege. I gotta tell you, there is nothing at all romantic about abuse and divorce.

Is it not time to put love on a new level with new ways to measure its impact and affection? We live in the 21st Century now and communication capabilities have truly sped up our lives that are just full of yesterdays and some tomorrows. We live with hindsight have little foresight and I would recommend midsight, i.e. looking at now and seeing what is without hindrance of past or future.

Let us put love back on the pedestal where it belongs, something exalted and striven for not to be tossed into like a tsunami of emotion. Let us redefine love based on communication and understanding and not a dartboard.

Admiration coupled with desire and passion would indeed mean true love for it could not be anything else. And you know he or she may just be around the corner.

3 Tips You Wish You Know Earlier Before You Go Into Any Type of Relationship!

If you are in a relationship right now, or are thinking of going into one, there are 3 very important tips you should know and questions you should ask yourself before you ever  get yourself into a relationship. This could save you from a lot of heartache and pain when you are involved in a love  relationship.

(1) Your lover does not owe you your happiness, peace or joy.
Happiness is a state of mind we choose to have. All of your  happiness, and all of your suffering, are created by you and they do not come from outside of you, or from others. Before  you go into any type of relationship, ask yourself these questions: "Do I really, really, really know how to walk  away from disappointment and fear? Will I be able to find the person that I am now even after I go into this  relationship and begin a new way of life?" In short, you should not be dependent on your partner on your emotional  needs. You yourself are responsible for your own feelings and creating positive experiences for both your partner and you whenever you are together.

(2) Love your partner for who they are.
No one in this world is perfect. One day you will find your  partner doing certain things or saying certain things that will hurt you, disappoint you or anger you. Before you go  into any type of relationship, you have to ask yourself:
"Will I be able to love my partner for who they are. If I am unhappy or angry with something they have said or done, will I be able to recognize my unhappiness or anger as against  their speech, actions and behavior, and not against their persons?"

(3) Will I be able to love myself as much as I love my partner?
If you cannot love yourself, how are you going to give love to another? This is a mistake most people make when they go into a relationship. They become over-obsessive with what  they can give to their partners and what they can do for their partners. To ensure a fulfilling relationship, you  have to learn to take care of your own needs as well. A true partner or lover is one who will make sure that you do not  become too dependent on them. You are responsible for your own feelings and your own emotional needs too. You are a beautiful being. So, take care of yourself, love yourself,  treat yourself to all the good things in life too, and do  the same to your partner. Very soon you will find true love always coming your way without any effort on your part!

As always, if you are encountering problems in your relationship, try to dissolve all of your problems in love.
And you'll be sure you are on your way to a peaceful and  fulfilling relationship!

Just love me!

Just LOVE me, like a fat kid loves cake!

Have you ever felt like that? When I first heard that, it hit me like a ton of bricks. To be in LOVE like that or to be loved like that would just rule forever. Is that not what we are all yearning for? Do we not seek out LOVE from the second we breathe as an infant? We search our parents eyes for that look of LOVE. We smile because we know it makes them smile with the LOVE that they feel for us.

To LOVE or not to LOVE? This is the question we all ponder through out life.

Why do we yearn to be someones everything? We want nothing more than to feel like the LOVE of one`s life. We spend our lives looking for that special person that will make our world seem like a dream. We want to feel safe and secure in our choice of partners. But how do we really know that this one is "the one" we will LOVE unconditionally forever? How do we know that this choice of LOVE will not break our heart? How do we know that this LOVE will LOVE us when the chips are down and we are not that perfect person that they fell in LOVE with?

Well I hate to sound like a wet blanket here on a cold night, but nothing is guaranteed. Life promises us nothing. We make our lives what they are, right at this moment. In matters of the heart we gamble, and as I have said before, to give LOVE is to risk losing LOVE. That is just another one of those bleary facts. Like rain storms and snowfalls, we have no control over anything that nature has given to us. We can only do our best with what we have. I have spoken before about gifts. Well, LOVE is a gift when it is given and when it is received. It does not happen because we say we want it to, or when we like a person and say "LOVE me". HA. I am sure that almost everyone out there will agree to that. I am also certain that the word "Stalker" comes from that notion.

LOVE can be a very scary risk. "Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it! It makes you so vulnerable. It opens you up, totally exposing your heart only to let someone get inside you and twist things up so tight, you can barely breathe. You build up defenses, you build an entire suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then that person, not seeming any different from any other person, wanders into your lonely life. You give them your heart. They didn't ask for it. They did something one day, like kiss you or smile your way, and then your life isn't your own any more. LOVE takes your heart hostage. LOVE swarms inside you. LOVE devours your entire being and leaves you crying in the darkness. With the simple phrase, "lets just be friends", it turns into a knife, cutting its way into your heart. The pain is like no other you have ever felt nor ever want to feel again. Not just in your imagination, not just in the mind. It's like losing a part of who you are, or rather who you were. That my friends is one reason we are so careful to not make the wrong LOVE choice. I know reading this totally makes one never want to do that. But we do, over and over again. Why?

Is it such a deep needed desire that we really have no control? Is cupids arrow that strong? YES on both counts.

LOVE is one of the most powerful sensations we will ever endure in our lives.

LOVE knows no limit to its power, no end to its trust, no loss of its hope.

LOVE can overpower anything.

LOVE stays up, when all else has falls down.

LOVE is felt when one grasps another's hand.

LOVE is as much of an object as an obsession. Everybody wants it and everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it. Those who do, will cherish it, get lost in it, and among all, will never, ever forget it.

LOVE does not waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead it creates a perfect love.

LOVE is somewhat like an hourglass, the heart fills up on one side as the brain empties the other.

LOVE is admiring ones heart: as admiration is the love of ones mind.

LOVE is with you when you least deserve it, because that's when you really need it.

These are a few thoughts that I have that tell me what LOVE is and why LOVE is.

When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us.We must understand that until we admit that while our partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we alone are the only ones that can bring that same fulfillment to ourselves. No one is responsible for our happiness.

Some people fall into a pattern of needing that NEWNESS LOVE in their relationships. These people will go from one relationship to another forever, never getting off that roller coaster of failure. They never understand that LOVE has stages. LOVE at first is so full of mystery and excitement. Then we move into becoming comfortable with one another and blending our ways to continue to strengthen our LOVE for one another. We continue to grow with each other, adding newness to each other by growing in one world, but as two people. Our years together build our road to our destiny of spending our lives and enduring tribulations as one. If you want life to always be a bed of roses, then you best grow a few gardens, because the roses will only get there if you grow them or bring them to your life. In other words sweet people of LOVE, your LOVE and passion is only what you make it. If you ignore it or get too busy to feed it, it will die or fade away. It's like any other living breathing thing. LOVE needs to be treated with respect and treated like the special gift that it is.

Another thing we must be careful of is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image, otherwise LOVE is only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. LOVE like you mean it, it is the only true way to let your LOVE for one another grow stronger and continue to be all powerful and wonderful.

The Power of Love - Dating Smart

You don’t need to depend on fate to bring “The One” to your doorstep. You might have to wait a very long time. 

You don’t have to be the prettiest girl or the most handsome guy to be a successful dater. You don’t need a huge bank account. You don’t have to drive a new sports car, live in a large home, have the best sense of humor, or the most confidence. These things are all desirable; but chances are, they won’t keep the target of your affection around forever. 

So what is it that you need to get and keep your love around? The answer is simple.

Power. 

Many people looking for relationships are searching for someone to complete them, to fill in what is lacking in their own lives. A smart dater pays attention to detail, determines what it is that the other person is lacking, and ultimately provides it. A smart dater knows that when you are a source of something another person needs to be happy, you have power over them. 

The first step to achieving power and becoming a smart dater is assessing the personality of the person you want to be with. You must zone in on the characteristic that defines the person most. Then, use your observations about their personality to determine what the person needs in his or her life to be happy. Finally, provide it. 

Take, for example, the aggressive personality. If you’re in love with The Aggressor, you know that he or she isn’t a bit shy. The Aggressor knows what he or she is after, and thrives on the challenge of attaining it. Love with The Aggressor can be compared to a sport, and The Aggressor is looking to win. Like in any sport, an easy victory can be quite boring and quick. Your task is to give the Aggressor a challenge. Do not let your heart be an easy win. If you do, the Aggressor will simply move on to the next person. When the Aggressor leaves you a voice mail to call them back, forget to call. When the Aggressor asks you out for a date, once in a while tell them that you are too busy. Be moody, selfish, and difficult from time to time. Now, don’t be completely mean – remember, you must give kindness and affection to The Aggressor as much as you take it away. This will drive The Aggressor insane, and cause him or her to lose focus of the game. In no time, you’ll be holding the trophy. 

Perhaps your love interest is not The Aggressor. Perhaps he or she is reserved and shy. This personality type tends to be innocent, and maybe lacking in solid relationship experience. You job, then, is to initiate The Quiet One into the realm of relationships and dating. Give The Quiet One something to get excited about. Shower The Quiet One with frivolous gifts and attention. Approach The Quiet One with zest, energy, and an ultra-positive attitude about life. Essentially, bring The Quiet One out of his or her shell, making them feel comfortable with you. In return, The Quiet One will become almost dependant on you for fun, activity, and love. 

There are a myriad of personality types you will find out in the world. Another is The Snob. This person needs an average Joe or Jane to bring them down to earth. They won’t want to stoop to the level of giving you a second look – but be persistent. The Snob’s affection is earned. The more affection you give, the more flattered The Snob will become. This is because The Snob, by trait, likes to be given things. Instead of spoiling the Snob with things he or she already has, provide something unique. Cook The Snob romantic dinners at home, and skip the fancy restaurants. Pick the female Snob wildflowers instead of purchaseing traditional roses. The Snob can then brag to other Snobs that he or she has someone “different” than everyone else. And as you know, Snobs always like to have what everyone else doesn’t.

There is also The Soap Opera Star. If you have the saintly qualities needed to love The Soap Opera Star, more power to you. This person eats, sleeps, and breathes drama. Take the normal ups and downs in life, and multiply them by 1000. Such is the life of The Soap Opera Star. The Soap Opera Star misplaces his golf club, and everything that happens from that point on in the day is absolutely ruined. Don’t be surprised if The Soap Opera Star takes his or her troubles out on you. If you desire to love this gem, patience, understanding (even if you must pretend) and the ability to console are qualities you have to put forth. The Soap Opera Star will end up completely in love with you. If you decide to leave The Soap Opera Star, he or she will stalk you.

Another popular personality is The Complainer. Everything annoys The Complainer. You can tell The Complainer that he or she looks nice today, and they will respond with a very serious, “Why do you have to lie to me? I gained 5 pounds in the last week, my pants look too short, and I’m having a bad hair day. I definitely know I can’t trust you to tell me the truth.” If you truly love The Complainer, you will never take their words to heart. You will also keep providing them with more topics to complain about, like a drug supply to an addict. Bring up topics that you know they love to moan about. They, in turn, will provide you with hours of one-on-one conversation. You’d better have a good ear to listen, and be able to support them in their outlandish claims. Don’t expect to do too much talking yourself. The Complainer will love you to death. Literally. 

All in all, no matter what type of person you are trying to win over, you can do it with a little bit of common sense and consideration. Think your way through the situation. That’s all it takes. The power of love is in your hands.